HAR HAR HAR: MGSV: Ground Zeroes ‘Half Assed Review’

[Let’s face it. Time is just something not a lot of us have on our side. Especially when it comes to gaming. It’s difficult to squeeze in a nice chunk of time to properly give a typical review, but Something is better than nothing. AMIRITE?? This is where HAR HAR HAR comes in. Or rather, “Half Assed Reviews.” It’s our version of a review, only, um, Half Assed. Enjoy!]

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I Finally got a chance to play Ground Zeroes last Friday night. It is, without a doubt, an amazing game! The sights, the sounds, and the virtual smells are awesome. The game is so atmospheric. And honestly those people who complained of a short two hour “demo” should get their heads out of their asses. Below is my play by play as I sulk, slump, and sneak through Camp Omega. This transcript is in bullet point format, cuz HAR (Half Assed Review), so I might sound like a dork. Enjoy.

[Played on my PS3 for about 4-5 hours on first Playthrough]

-I AM EXCITEMENT!

-hit with 80 mb update wall as I load game

-installing said update

-game installation data (shoot me now)

-finally loading!

-nope…

-installing trophy set

-finally the screen menu!

-4 game control types: action a, action b, shooter a, shooter b. only real difference between all 4 when toggling is the R1 button and the face buttons. thought I’d choose one of the shooter types as I have in PW but seems the best choice for me is action a, which is default. why? it’s actually what closely matches the original controls setup in MGS1. go figure.

-START GAME!

-can’t select HARD yet. probably have to beat all missions first

-loading menu shows MGS chronology starting with THE BOSS

-introduction is the same as all the trailers that have been shown prior to MGSV GZ release

-SELECT button pauses cutscene. resume and skip are the available options

-30FPS on my PS3 (all the 60FPS trailers i’ve watched previously have spoiled me a little but this still looks badass)

-THE TROJAN HORSE IS IN!

-Snake ascends the cliff

-Kiefer Sutherland as Snake (as we all know). “Snake, former hero once known by the codename Big Boss.” (thought he was Big Boss since PW and not a “former” title)

-and I am now Snake, formerly known as Big Boss

-SELECT pauses the game while START brings up iDroid (my pet name for an iPhone/Android mashup)

-gotta get used to the weapon/item switching on the D-Pad

-and I just died while hanging off a cliff. pressed X to climb. fail. it’s friggin TRIANGLE

-auto cover on objects. seems a bit strange at first because Snake doesn’t really “stick” to cover, he kind of just ducks down

-enemy tagging is automatic while using your BINOS. PW was the first to implement enemy tagging while behind cover and using L button to look and TRIANGLE to tag.

-so far controls are smooth. Snake moves nicely and rather naturally. organic and fluid movement

-the game feels more stressful than past MGS games because of the lack of radar, but more so because you can get spotted much easier

-movement like strafing is possible while using BINOS

-rolling while in the prone position is possible as shown in previous trailers

-lock picking is a single button press with TRIANGLE instead of a pseudo quicktime event as in PW with the jigsaw

-got caught, started running, and went OUT OF BOUNDS which Miller considers “ABANDONING THE MISSION”

-restart. this game is pretty stressful

-LADDER TAKEDOWN! BOOYAH!

-picking up, putting down, and especially CHUCKING guards into one another or into the ocean is SUPER fun

-shot a guard in the FACE with my tranq during REFLEX MODE as he was climbing the tower I was staked out in, after I put him and his buddy to sleep. seems they wake up a little faster than expected, even after throwing them into one another

-rescued POW and waiting for chopper. earned a trophy (RESCUE!). after dumping the POW in the chopper it either waits for you to get in or it departs once you take a few steps back

-procuring items/weapons on the mission isn’t as simple as walking over them anymore. you actively have to press CIRCLE to obtain them. Snake even has a nice little GRAB animation. there’s a new designation similar to FULL when you cannot take anymore items, ammo, or weapons. it’s called MISMATCH

-obtaining items/weapons has the same CLICKING sound as was first used in MGS4

-I didn’t think enemy AI was going to be as smart as they are. was hiding in a provisions trailer, got caught, hid back, and they were about to call off the search, then one keen eyed guard decided to come in looking for me

-holding up guards and using them as human shields is as easy a transition as ever. the more things change in MGS the more they stay the same

-once an enemy wakes up from a nice nap you can actually kick him back down and he will knock back out. do it again and he will wake up again. you can keep doing this to your heart’s content

-new version of the surround indicator works nice.

-just took out a spotlight long range while a tower guard was using it, and he doesnt seem any wiser

-luring the guards out of hiding to tag them is fun and needful because they are EVERYWHERE

-also, there is a Guard Counter that lets you know how many guards are left yet to be tagged

-did… did a guard just replace a spotlight bulb??

-fucking with these guards is SUPER fun

-CONSECUTIVE CQC!!!

-new favorite move: PENGUIN SLIDE!

-POWER SHOVED one guard into the other. like Bowling.  SWEET

-sniper rifle acquired

-I was finally KIA while running casually out in the open

-I think I just found Chico

-Snake tells Chico to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. night night.

-rescuing POWs and taking them to an LZ is almost as tedious as capturing soldiers in PORTABLE OPS because there aren’t any FULTON BALLOONS yet

-I can crawl under stuff. There’s also ONE VENT that I crawled into. how I missed that

-I just sprayed myself with health ala RESIDENT EVIL. Snake does not seem to take a liking to the aerosol can. He probably misses RATIONS as much as I do.

That’s the end of my transcript for now. I might update this. I might not. I might add some video of me playing. I might not. Remember, folks, this has been HALF ASSED REVIEWS! Till next time.

UPDATE:

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RANK D BITCHES!

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